12 years. Twelve years ago today you died. Every year on the anniversary, I’ve wanted to write a blog post on the anniversary of your death but I haven’t. For one reason or a hundred, I just haven’t.
So this year as we approach the midnight hour and my body throws itself into a nostalgic state I thought I would just throw out a few memories, and recap some of the best things she taught me. I’m good at Top 10 lists (aren’t we all?) so lets go ahead and roll with that…
Mom Moment #10: Family dinners. Those were amazing, even though I never ate anything you ever cooked. I’m sorry about that. I realize now that Rice-a-Roni is *not* in fact a meal, but I thank you for cooking it almost every night just so I would eat something. I’d give literally anything to sit down at that table with you and the family again…anything.
Mom Moment #9: Your hands. Your hands are one of the only things I can still remember in detail. Your face has blurred into images, along with so many other things, but your hands…I remember them so vividly. They saved days, and worked hard, and were wrinkled with years of memories. I get lost sometimes looking at hands of strangers, hoping to see some that resemble yours. I see mine start to look yours, and I welcome every vein, every wrinkle, every mark.
Mom Moment #8: Our family. You married a great man mom, and you did a great job raising my siblings. I say thank you daily just thinking about how wonderful and unique and funny and supportive and real they all are. Thank you for building a family that rose above cancer…and quite beautifully I might add – we laugh and hug and smile all the time.
Mom Moment #7: The sun. I still remember that day you said you would miss the sun so much. You said the sun on your skin is something you have always loved. I live in Seattle now…so uhm…sorry about that. Not much sun here, but when it does come out, I remember that day on the porch, and I remember you saying that and its magical.
Mom Moment #6: Christmas. I told you I would always make it home, in fact I promised. So last year, for the first time, I missed Christmas. s.o.r.r.y. BUT I went to Texas, because I fell in love with the most amazing man (just like you promised I would) and uhmmm yeah… I realize love trumps most things (like you said it did), so I am hoping you give me a pass on that one.
Mom Moment #5: Work. You led teams of people. You ran meetings, you competed as a leader with men, and you did it all while staying on the good side of people. You loved your job and made so many friends and worked hard. I’m so happy with my job, and love the people I work with, and work hard…just like you.
Mom Moment #4: Cancer. This year was one of the first years since you died that I am starting to remember you and not those last few months. So cancer… fuck you on that one. We win.
Mom Moment #3: Bloody marys. Literally for the first time ever I tried one this year. You and the aunts loved them…and guess what?! I love them too! Like mother, like daughter. For my thirtieth birthday this year I am gathering the women that matter most to me and we are sipping bloody marys to celebrate the passing of the decade and to just enjoy each other. I think you would approve.
Mom Moment #2: Love. HOLY CRAP MOM I STOPPED DATING LOSERS AND I AM IN LOVE. He is amazing, and smart, and loves his family, and loves me and wow. That is all.
Mom Moment #1: Today. Today is twelve years since the day I said goodbye in our living room, and I can’t help but think — we’ll jesus Mom…you were right–as always. We are all doing okay, and we were strong, and we are happy. But most importantly, just like you promised, you have literally been with me each day…every second I needed you.
Moms are always right. So tomorrow when I wake up around 6 am like I have always done since that day… I’ll think to myself — I miss you mom. I love you, this much, around, twice.
I hope you are wandering worlds and clouds and stars and things I can’t imagine. I hope its full of beautiful things. Like the sun, memories, love and bloody marys.